I was browsing the net looking for article writer jobs.  Nothing much for me.  Sometime I think I have it in me to be a writer, and other times I think perhaps I want to be a writer, which I am not.

The thing with writing, is that it is a need inside me, to write, to get out what I feel, think, and believe in, because I can not get it right in speaking. My inner dream is to write a novel, but whenever I start to write my novel, I fear that my novel might upset people I know, people who might associate themselves with my novel, though I may borrow from personalities and situations, but I will mix it up, it will never be that person in that exact situation, so I start deviating from what I really want to write about, and then my hole idea faces a dead end, so I give up and stop right there and then. I do not know if I can handle angry people, and open doors of hell. There is a lot of double standard, and double dealing, lies, and make overs in the society, people are either hypnotized or just want to be in, in any way, and it is rare to find someone original, can I write freely about that? I wonder.

Another thing that stops me is the question: Do people read like before? Do they really read your words, reflect on them, or they read rapidly and lash out with reply as I see on the net. 

What do you think? Can you advise me?

You are falling slowly deeper and deeper in this dark hole, it is so silent around you, and the darkness grows darker and darker, the hole seems bottomless, you are falling endlessly.

 You hear your silent pain screaming inside you, no body can hear it but you, it is so loud inside you, it deafens your senses, the pain is growing more more painful, penetrating every atom in your soul, your soul kneels in agony, begging for the pain to stop, for a miracle to happen, you are all alone, no one sees you, no one hears you, and you are falling,  until you surrender to pain; numb and falling, until the hole spits you out and you find yourself like a rock in space, drifting in the dark, you have no power, just drifting aimlessly, all silent, you are not alive, yet you are not dead.

You surrender and accept and drift, then all of a sudden, the hand that threw you into this dark silent space, picks you up, embraces you with tenderness, you shiver, tears start dropping silently but abundantly,the numb stone that fell on your soul is lifted, life starts radiating from the middle of your chest, pain is replaced by comfort, you are not drifting any more, you stand on your feet, look around, and hope this hand does not let go of you again, as it did in the past, you think to yourself I should not be too comfortable, because I might be sent back to the dark hole again. 

You wonder what is worst, is it being sent back to the dark hole, or the mixed fear and anticipation that you will live this pain over and over again. Or is it that you can not let go of your guard, and can not be too comfortable. You wonder how long all this will go on, how many years more, do I have any strength left, what is easier, or worst, being dead, being numb, or reliving the pain and dark hole over and over again.

Ideals are for fools. 

This world receives its vultures with open arms , and rewards them more and more.

The big question: What can a person who refuses to be a vulture and refuses to stay a lamb do?

What can a person do in a world that is growing more criminal by the second, we live in world that kills, tortures, abuses children, women, elderly, and even brave strong men in all sorts of ways, a world that commits austerities too much for the brain to handle, and burns out all emotions. If you fight it; it will eat you up and you will never win; because evil has mastered all the tricks and took control of all the powers on earth, evil will crush you in a second.

 On the other hand, you can not just pretend nothing is going on, because you become an accomplice, yet you can not take your own life, because you are not sure that it is better in the hereafter, if not worse, we are like mice stuck in a trap.

Some days we feel like birds soaring high up in the sky, we start believing that things will only get better after a long dark winter, we go on with our day, we say let us do something good today, get positive energy, make someone happy, visit a parent, take them out and buy them a present, and you think because you were a good person the universe will watch out on you, and your karma will only be bright with glowing positive energy.

Towards the end of the day, you are elated, happy and optimistic, then you discover deception and dark plotting, then a person you love most in the world, tells you the most hurting things. You feel as if you were stumped by elephants, your chest is so tight, your eyes are puffed, and all you feel is that you are falling into a dark abyss.

What is going on, you never understand, what you should do, you never know, and you are the bird that soared high, then your wings were broken and you crash down to the ground, but you are not dead, you pray to die so you will not feel the pain, but you do not. Is there ever an escape from agony?

I used to be a social person, now all I want to do is (be on my own). It is now like a remedy that leaves you stress and tension free, I am in this phase where I got fed up with people's BS. Lots of pretense and lying. As if people forgot how to be true to themselves and others. People pretend to be what they are not, no one is real anymore, I began to transform too, this is why I opted to be alone, I do not want to lose who I am really, I already lost a lot of myself, some buttons inside of me feel as if they do not work any more, as if my system is gradually shutting down. Human predators of all kinds pretend to be the opposite, and the prey pretends to be something else to protect itself.  It is indescribable not be yourself, not to trust, to suspect everyone and everything for survival and self protection, it consumes all the goodness and spontaneity in you.  You end up living on pretense,  then you feel suffocated, and finally decide to be on your own, yet no escape because you face another kind of suffocation, and your system starts to shut down by the passing of each day.